I think I have a slight addiction to kissing people. Not necessarily a bad thing though! *grins* However finding someone decent enough to tap in Cavan is no easy feat let me tell you! Luckily I have my dear Enna Bean (Currently going through bob-kissing withdrawal symptoms) to help me with my task! Roll on Saturday night! I'm rethinking my sober plan...
(the icon I have for horny is hilarious!!)

I was happy for, what a week? Two maybe. And I don't think I ever want to feel that way again because the come down is too hard. I hate myself for letting it get to me. For letting myself become the person i despise. The one who relies on someone else to decide their mood. I became one of those people that I usually laugh at. And the worst part? I know that if I got second chance I'd let myself be that person again. I'd let the happiness wash over me in waves and not think about the consequences. I'd not think about the fact that, inevitably, I'd be let down. It always happens. I should be used to it by now but it still hurts. For some reason this time more than usual. Probably because I naively thought it would be different. But it can never be different because I'm always going to be the same person. I'm always going to be detached. There but still a little bit missing. But I don't think I want to change. Because I don't want to alter myself for someone else's benefit. I guess it's because I know that in the end it's never lasting. In the end I will always be let down. Why should I change for someone. It's safer for me if I stay detached. That way when it ends I won't hurt quite so much. And it will always end.

I know I'm going to fall hard if she leaves. I will never recover from that. I know I will become even more distant. The part that's missing will become larger. I'll know just how far there is to fall and I don't think I could survive more than once. I think I'll be fine on my own. I know they say that no man is an island, but why not? Why believe in love when it's not lasting. Ever. There is always an end. Be it death or just growing apart. You don't stay the same person all your life so why commit yourself to the one person when it's inevitable that they will change over time? That you will change over time? One day you'll wake up and realize that the person lying next to you is not the person you fell in love with. And you're not the same person you were when you fell in love with them. It's a messy thing love is. So why bother? Why put yourself through the pain? Even if you say that it was nice while it lasted. The pain of the parting will taint al the good memories. You won't want to remember he good times because they ultimately remind you of how it all fell apart so you won't even want to remember them anymore. So all you're left with are bitter memories and the knowledge that even the good times can never be good memories when you realize that in remembering them you recall what is lost. It's a conundrum.

So sure maybe I do seem open on the surface. Maybe I do seem like I might eventually let someone in. But happiness is to great a height to fall from. I don't think it's worth the broken heart.

An image you have of someone can so easily be altered by the words of someone you trust. Opinions get turned upside down when you see things from the point of view of another. Someone others have high praise for turns out to be the hand that holds someone else down. Now the hand is removed they are free to grow. I only realised today how much my sister actually cares. I guess I thought she just humoured him and his infatuation. But now I see it not as unrequieted love but eternal gratitude. Three views altered by only a couple of sentences down a crackly phone line. Freedom is a beautiful thing. I hope you enjoy it. You deserve it.

I will hold your hand
I will curl my warmth around your frozen fingers
And tell you it's alright
It will be alright
I'll hold your hand

I'm what you need
I'm all you require
I am here to hold your hand
when you need to break away
From your mind
From the taunts
And haunting voices
That tear your flesh
and rip tears from your eyes
I will hold your hand

I am more than a smile
And a comforting hug
I'll be your saviour if you let me
I can save us both

But if I fail
Don't give up on me
I will hold your hand
Even if my warmth
Won't heat your frozen fingers
Even if my tears
Won't wake your sleeping eyes
I will hold your hand
Always.

PARAMORE ARE COMING TO IRELAND!!!!!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!
And me and Emma are going to wear are TWLOHA t-shirts to impress hayley and get laid! Cause pirates we be! Arrrggghhh!

So a girl I worked with when I started my job last year was killed this morning. The news was one of very few things that has left me completely speechless. It was just dropped one me. Killed. It's a horrible word. Even more horrible when you link it to one of the nicest people it was ever my luck to meet. She never had a bad word to say about anyone. Even the annoying customers we get in. Hell she made excuses for them! In my job we generally bitch to make ourselves feel better. But not her. I never heard her swear.
The girls started saying there had to have been a reason why she died. Like maybe if she hadn't have died there she would have gone 5 miles down the road and run into another car with a family in it. I got so mad. It's such a load of bullshit! There is no reason why anyone dies. No chance, no bad luck, no fate, no cosmic reason. Death is an inevitability. They were trying to make excuses for it. They even talked about her accepting her job before Christmas and saying that if she hadn't have taken that job she could still be alive. I mean, it's just crap! If we don't take chances for fear of consequences we'll never get anywhere in life. We'll be stuck in a rut forever.
I felt a bit guilty for feeling so shocked. I only knew her for a few months and I don't think I've seen her since she left but the impact of the fact that such an amazing and sincere person was dead just hit me so hard. The statement was so final. She was killed this morning. I'm not used to death. I have never really known anyone who has died. When someone dies of old age it doesn't strike the same chord as a 23 year old careful driver somehow crashing. It was the shock of it that brought a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. The finality. And with that sense of finality came the sense of futility. The question of life. Not of god. Not of why her? why now? But simply the question of why?
And, as happens with me, a morbid fascination overcame me. Did she die instantly? Was she in pain? Did she know what was happening? Why?
My appetite has failed me. As has the ability to form coherent sentences. At the moment smiling feels like a act of disrespect.

Aine, I didn't know you for very long, but you impacted on me. You were an amazing person and you shall be missed.

HOLY BEJEESUS I'm bored!
Like blah bored. I slept for three hours today. On the couch. The comfy one with the giant pillows, not the not-comfy one with the wooden armrests (who makes couches that you can't rest your head on without causing severe pain-in-head-ness??) (my writing skills - what little I still possess - have gone to hell.)
Work was dull and I had a headache and they left me all alone for 20 minutes. I mean what if someone had decided to come in and rob the place?! What the hell would I have done then!?
Tomorrow is my first day off in 6 days. 6 of the most draining, dragged out days ever. And I intend to sleep through it before watching several episodes of skins with my darling feeface. I don't doubt the presence of chocolate and/or popcorn.
On a sadder note I won't see Emma for several weeks. And listening to her melodious voice just doesn't have the same effect as staring mesmirized by her shiny hair. (I sound like I'm in love with her. I'm not. Much)
My visitors are strange. I don't like them. One of them stares at me the whole time. It's unnerving.
I have decided to take up guitar. And by take up I mean pick up the dusty one in my room that has been neglected for two years. I want calloused fingers.
And now gilmore girls has loaded! Goodbye boredom! Nice knowing ya! See you in half an hour? Yeah sure. What else do I have to do.

Dear Niamh,

I don't know when you'll read this. Next time you're bored I guess, but I just wanted you to know (how ever little it means to you right now) that it breaks my heart to know that even we aren't enough to keep you here now. I don't mean that in a selfish way. I mean it in that I'm sorry you don't think you have anything left anymore.
I think we both know how bad it is for you lately. And I guess what I know isn't even a fraction of how you feel. I'm not ashamed to admit that I worry about you every day and dread every phone call I get for fear that it's going to be Emma on the other side telling me that you're gone.
I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart and I have to say it but if you go (and in my head I'm thinking when rather than if and that kills me) I will miss you more than words can express. We all will.

I love you hun,
Gráinne.

I think there is irony to be found in the fact that, when things get stressful at work, I seek refuge in the cigarette room.
I hate cigarettes. Despise them even. I hate the smell of smoke. I think it's rude when people smoke around other people. I hate that smokers think it's okay to throw their butts on the ground. And the smoke gives me asthma attacks. And it is beyond my comprehension why people want to inhale tar into their lungs.
So yeah I hate them. But the cigarette room? Love it. It's small and on the third floor of the shop I work in so it's sort of like an attic rrom. It has a sloped roof that was finished to perfection with smooth concrete walls. And there are three rows of cheap pine shelves for the three companies we get cigarettes from. I love how that boxes are stacked neatly and they are all so structured. Each is a perfect shape, oblong and wrapped like a christmas present in bright coloured paper bearing the name of the brand. They stack up fill the depth of the shelves so you can't even see the wood anymore. They line up neatly because they have such a uniform shape. There is comfort to be sought in the perfection. Solace to be found in the room stacked with boxes like soldiers away from the relentless bustle of the shop downstairs. It's quiet and calm and no one bothers you (they assume I'm actually working in there)And the smell is gorgeous! I can't stand the smell of tobacco being smoked or the smell that lingers in the air after but unsmoked tobacco smells like how you think your grandparents house smells (even though they don't smoke). It's an old, musky, burning wood sort of smell. I breathe it in and feel calm. My head argues that it's for this reason that people smoke but why smoke it 20 times a day when breathing it in once every now and again is enough to calm you down? The logic will never cease to baffle me.
But then again, if you judge me by what I just wrote then I'm a hipocrit! And I talk about complete crap! Oh well!

Tomorrow is my birthday. Tomorrow I leave childhood behind. Tomorrow I am 18. And I couldn't care less. Birthdays annoy me. I hate all the attention. And all the stupid people asking me does it feel different. Of course it bloody well doesn't! Tomorrow I will be a day older than I am today. Not a year. A day. So no I won't feel in any way different. How could I possibly?
I already tried looking for my presents but it turns out my mom has realised we know that she keeps them in her wardrobe (I mean come on!) and has moved them and now I can't find them (that's if they have bought me anything yet.) And I'm not working today which is good but also not so good because I am sitting around watching Gilmore Girls which is loading really slow and quite frankly I'm very bored. Tomorrow is going to suck because I am working and I'm going to have to deal with all the stupid people who ask me stupid questions like is there a cafe upstairs. It's a stationary shop. Of course there sin't a bloody cafe up there. Do we sell bovril? No we havn't decided to stock that particular item since you last asked three days ago. Why don't you try, I dunno, a grocery store?! I swear to god I can't wait to quit! I hate it there! And tomorrow is also my staff party. Yes I have to go out with a bunch of people i only pretend to like and my boss who I don't like at all and his wife who is just plain weird on my birthday! And I'm guessing I'm going to have to eat dodgy food because vegetarian meals are always a little dodgy in restaurants. And I don't much like resaturants because I don't know how thw food is made and what goes into it. And that worries me.
My firends are also dragging me out for a meal on saturday and then I have to go out where people are going to buy me drinks that I don't want because aparently my birthday is just another excuse for them to get drunk. An excuse they don't really need. And yeah so everything is just plain blah. I'm gona go do some laundry now.